As I have been writing this blog about my life experiences for the last five months. I am amazed at just how much the Lord has brought me through in my life. I am so grateful. This review process has provided me the opportunity to re-examine how all the dysfunction of my life had clouded (and to some degree still does) my vision of the Heavenly Father.
Even though I had given my life to Christ, I had so much faulty thinking that I couldn’t make sense of what it meant to be a Christian. As I have mentioned before, I had anger management issues. I had extremely poor self-esteem. I so wanted to do what was right, but just couldn’t. I always seemed to mess things up. My marriage and family life were not the healthiest. Combine all these things together with trying to “work out one’s salvation”, along with the wrong view of God and His word, and you have a disaster! This struggle brought on over three years of what is known as clinical depression. I had no direction in my life, every day I was just going through the motions. There would be days when I didn’t even comb my hair or brush my teeth. I slept all the time but was never rested. I played with my kids, (which was my only joy), like I was one of them. I tried to find comfort in going to church and reading the Bible but then I would feel like a big hypocrite. It was a very sad and confusing time.
Then one day I found myself standing in front a display of self-help books. I was desperate! I noticed one titled HOMECOMING Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw. I picked it up and skimmed through it. I was a little leery because it came with a cassette tape you were supposed to listen to that contained encouraging subliminal messages hidden behind relaxing music. (It was in the early 90’s when everyone was in an uproar because it had been revealed that advertisers were using subliminal messaging to get unsuspecting customers to buy their products.) I also had reservations about reading things that were not “religious” because they might cause me more harm than good. I purchased it anyway, and took it home and began to read it. One of the suggestions was to write letters to yourself at different ages and then respond to those letters using your opposite hand as if you were now that age. I know it sounds weird, but it worked. I found the exercise to be very beneficial for me. I was surprised by the information that had been tucked away in the recesses of my mind.
Shortly after that, there was an emotional upheaval in my family that caused me to question whether or not I was losing my mind. I went to my family doctor with incredible pain in the back of my head; I thought for sure I had a brain tumor or something. He said it was a condition that he usually saw in people who were under a great deal of stress, and asked about the level of stress in my life. Well, that was all it took for me to have a complete breakdown in his office. He suggested I see a counselor and prescribed Prozac. I am not a “pill taker” and so he had to talk me into taking the medication. Prozac was a new drug that had just come out on the market and there had been reports that people who had used the drug committed suicide. It was this knowledge that caused me to be apprehensive. However, he assured me that he was prescribing the smallest amount possible and that in a few weeks the “happy hormone” levels should increase in my brain helping me to feel better. I was referred to a female counselor whom I called as soon as I got home. Within a few days I was sitting in her office wondering what in the world I was doing there. Little did I know that an amazing journey of restoration had begun, and is still going on in my life today.
Some years later, I attended a Christian seminar on interpersonal relationships in which it was shared that the intimate personal relations that we have with one another teach us something about who and what God is like, and if any one of those relationships (in which there are 7) is somehow damaged or distorted then we lose a valuable insight about our Heavenly Father. It was stated that the loss of such insight in any one of those relationships make it nearly impossible to develop a healthy image of God and therefore affect the level of intimacy one might experience with God. WOW! There was not a single one of those relationships that was not damaged in my experience. I was blown away. How could I ever expect to experience the kind of relationship that I had been seeking with God when I was so broken? Then I heard the speaker say, “We are all miracles! No one escapes the effects of sin no matter how well adjusted their families may have been.” Today, I realize that all my life experiences and the way that God has helped me work through them has been the fulfillment of Romans 12:21 “Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.” God has been doing “good” for me.
Once again I am encouraged by the joy of the Word, “Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:” Philippians 1:6. Praise God! It is all about what He can do and not about what I do. “I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked places straight. These things will I do for them and not forsake them.” Isaiah 42:16
May you experience the joy of knowing that God is on your side today! Blessings.