Gift of Love

Perfect tiny fingers and toes, round pudgy face, she was beautiful. As I walked from the nursery window I thought to myself, “She’s mine”. For the first time in my life something really belonged to me. When I got back to my room I excitedly called Jane and told her I wanted to keep the baby. I can’t remember what we said to one another but I know it wasn’t long after our conversation ended that the phone rang and it was Robert. Remember I told you he didn’t speak much but when he did you listened. “How are you doing kid?” was how he opened our conversation. We talked a little and then He asked me to take a sheet of paper and write on one side all the things I could do for my little girl without anyone’s help and then to turn the sheet of paper over and write down all the things I would need help with. Well, you can imagine that one side of the paper was blank except for the word LOVE. I could love her with all my heart but that was all I could do for her.

Later on that day, I had a visit from a good friend of Jane’s, named Connie. I had met Connie one other time before. She was quiet but outgoing. No one would have expected that she would have had the experience she shared with me that day.  She had been raped and had conceived. Because she was of the Catholic faith she felt that having an abortion was not an option. She carried the baby to full term and then gave it up for adoption. She shared with me how in her mind, the only positive thing that could come out of her experience was that God could use her situation to answer the prayer of another women, who wanted to be a mother. We talked a little longer and then we said goodbye. I lay in bed for a long time staring out of the window. I so wanted this little baby to have the best life possible. I dreamed about what it would be like to have a normal life, to have a mommy and a daddy. I wanted her to have ballet classes, sleepovers, and little girl tea parties. I desired for her to be loved in a way I had never known. The next day when Jane, the caseworker, and I think someone from the hospital came into my room, I signed the papers. Everyone left but Jane she held me in her arms as I cried, reassuring me over and over again that I had done the right thing. I knew deep in my heart it was the right thing. Giving her a chance at life was the greatest way I could show my love for her. Jane had a surprise of her own to share with me; she was expecting another baby. Wow! The baby was due in September my heavy heart was gladdened. Jane also told me that she and Robert had talked, and if I wanted, I could stay with them and not go back to the Center. What a relief! I had wondered what was going to happen to me after this ordeal was over; the invitation to stay was an answer to my own prayer.

Little Donny was born in early September; I remember racing home from school to see him. I held him in my arms he was so precious. He brought such joy and comfort to my aching heart.

As I have sorted through the many experiences of my life, this one principle has proven to be a solid truth. God works out the best outcome, regardless of the situation. Even if the consequences don’t seem favorable at the time, in hindsight the outcome will reveal itself to have been what was in your best interest. “We know that all things work together for good to them that love God and are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28  Give God a chance; trust in Him, He will never let you down. Blessings.

Posted in Adoption, Bible Promises, Christianity, Faith, God, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Overcoming, Unwed mother | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

A Precious Gift

At Robert and Jane’s house I had my own bedroom with a private bath upstairs. There were two little boys Mikie who was a little over 2 years of age and Kyle who was about 6 months old. Kyle was so cute I enjoyed playing with him. Robert was a big man who didn’t say much but I was impressed with the thought that when he did speak, you better move! It was a pleasant, rather quiet home. I pretty much stayed to myself for a while. I was thankful no one bothered me. I liked to watch Jane take care of her children. She nursed Kyle, which was something new to me. She would rock him and sing songs until he fell asleep. She would spend time reading books to Mikie. He was a smart little kid.  I didn’t know it then, but the way she nurtured her children would be a guide to me in years to come.

Days turned into weeks and weeks to months. It was getting pretty obvious that I was pregnant and reality had to settle in. Jane was there every step of the way. She was my Lamaze coach. She had her babies naturally; she said I could do it too, but if it got too much, there was medicine I could be given. She made me want to be strong. There was something about her that was really special. I still carry very fond memories of her.

The day finally arrived, and I went to Jane and said, “I think something is happening”. She was calm and reassuring. A neighbor came to be with the boys, and we left for the hospital. I must admit I was afraid, but Jane’s gentleness and patience were a source of strength.  The nursing staff was also extremely attentive. I can only assume it was because of my age and my circumstances. I had just turned 14 in February. I was able to forego the saddle block with Jane’s help and encouragement. I gave birth to a little girl. I was not allowed to have any contact with her. She went to the nursery and I went to a private room. The next day curiosity overcame me; and I had to see her. I walked to the nursery during feeding time, and there off to the corner was one small bassinet. I cupped my hands against the window in hopes that I could see better. The nurse present in the nursery, had to have known who I was and that I was not to see the baby. But she pushed the bassinet to the window and unwrapped the blankets and revealed the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning” James 1:17. I have experienced the truth of this passage over and over again in my life. I pray you find the gift of your life in Christ Jesus.

Posted in Adoption, Bibil Promises, Bible Promises, Christianity, Faith, God, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Overcoming, Unwed mother | Leave a comment

In Every Situation, He is There!

The next year and half of my life was a nightmare. David started coming around more often. He would always manage to “be there” when no one else was. I wanted to run away and escape, but again there was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I had stopped asking God to help me; in fact, I hardly ever thought about God at all. My thoughts were, “God doesn’t care about me. No one cares about me”.

Tina had this thing about keeping track of monthly cycles on the calendar. She knew exactly when Sally and I were to have our periods. When I stopped having mine – I didn’t tell her. In fact, I wrapped up clean pads and threw them in the trash for two months.  And then one day she discovered my deception. She whipped me with a belt and screamed at me to tell her who it was. Well, needless to say I certainly wasn’t going to tell her it was her son! I made up a wild story about it happening at the campgrounds. I was scared; I didn’t know what she would do to me. The caseworker was called, and within a few days I was removed from the home.

In the late sixties unwed pregnant girls were not allowed to attend public schools. They were usually sent to a group home called an “Unwed Mother’s Home” where they would receive housing and schooling, and medical care. The caseworker in charge of my case did not want to place me in that type of setting, and so she found a private family home that was willing to provide housing and care until the baby should be born. I would go to a private school, which permitted me to take both the 7th and 8th grades together (my grades had dropped significantly and I could not be promoted). By taking both grades together I would start my academic life over again with students my own age. The plan was I would have the baby and put it up for adoption and life would go back to normal; it would be like nothing had ever happened.

When I arrived at Robert and Jane’s home I was in a state of denial. When Jane asked if I was pregnant I said, “No”. I think I was in a sort of dream state and at any moment I would wake up and everything would be different. Jane was very understanding. She took me to her family doctor who confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. Jane tried to explain to me that there was a little baby growing inside of me. She must have realized I wasn’t ready to face reality; she took my hand in hers and reassured me that everything was going to be all right. Somehow – I believed her. I was 13 years old.

It always amazes me, when I look back through my life experiences, to see how God has worked in every situation of my life. Because of those experiences and where I am today, I can trust God when He speaks to me through His word. Isaiah 41:10, says to me, for example, “Fear not; for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” And Isaiah 43:1-3, “But now sayeth the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not; for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour. . .” He is here today, for each of us. I pray you find your way to the comfort He offers, if I can help just let me know. Blessings, Patricia

Posted in Adoption, Bible Promises, Christianity, Faith, God, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Overcoming, Unwed mother | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

No Escape

Life was good with Larry and Tina; they treated me kindly and made feel welcome in their home. Sally and I got along well, just like we were sisters.  Things worked out so well that when the summer was over I was invited to stay and become a permanent addition to the family. School was about to start and I was so excited. Tina took Sally and I out shopping for school clothes. We got our hair done at the beauty shop; they did something called a body perm to me so my hair would hold a curl. I couldn’t remember the last time getting ready for school was so much fun.

David and his wife (for some reason I cannot remember her name so I’ll just call her Wendy) and their little boy Bobby were not around very much. They would come to family get-togethers and holiday celebrations. If David and Wendy needed a sitter, they would usually ask Sally do it. I didn’t care that I wasn’t asked to babysit, because I didn’t want to be around David. However, one day Wendy needed to get her hair done, and she asked me to babysit. I was kind of excited because I really like little Bobby and the times that we were together I enjoyed playing with him. I was assured I would only babysit for about an hour and half, so I said okay. David was at work and wasn’t expected to be home before Wendy would return.  The little one was asleep so I sat down to watch TV. Just then a car pulled into the driveway. It was David! I tried to be happy to see him but I wasn’t. I nervously explained that Wendy was getting her hair done and she would be right back.

He went in and took a shower. I prayed for the baby to wake up, but he didn’t.  I went into the kitchen to get something to drink. David showed up and then it was a game of cat and mouse. I tried to leave the kitchen but was prevented. He began to say the usual things that take control of the mind of a child and cause them to surrender their will. I knew what was about to take place and so, as I had done so many times before, I escaped into another world in which reality didn’t exist.

I got the usual “You better not tell anyone. Besides no one is going to believe you!” “You’ll have to go back to the orphanage”, and so on and so on. I believed him, because he was right. After all, look what happened with my uncles, Mr. Phillips, and my caseworker. Yes, he was right! I was trapped and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was 11 years old.

If you have found this entry to be disturbing, please let me again remind you that God was with me through all my experiences and it is by His grace that I have survived. In the parable of the wheat and tares, Jesus is asked where the weeds came from and He responded with, “An enemy hath done this”. We have an enemy who seeks to destroy, but we also have a Heavenly Father who is the Master Restorer. God has given everyone the gift of “free will”. It was given to benefit others, but sin has perverted the gift and it is now used to cause suffering and sorrow. When we give our lives to Jesus, the Holy Spirit begins the process of restoration. Think about the words of Jesus in John 10:10, “The thief cometh not, but to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”

Blessings my friends

Posted in Bible Promises, Christianity, Faith, God, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Overcoming | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Be of Good Cheer!

Hi, I can’t believe another week has gone by, thanks for continuing to follow the blog.

On Sunday afternoons prospective foster parents would come and visit the Center. This provided an opportunity for them to meet some of the kids that were up for adoption or foster care, to see if there was a possible “fit”. They would dress us all up and tell us to be on our best behavior and maybe we would get “new parents”. I hated being put on display like that, so I was pretty belligerent. I figured that if I acted that way no one would ever choose me. Besides, my experience with foster homes had not been a positive one.

However the following Sunday after reporting Mr P., I was a different little girl. I put on my best dress and grabbed my collection of “Barbie Dolls”. I watched as the “guests” filed in looking at each one as they walked by and then I spotted them. They were older and they had a little girl with them that I figured was about my age, I think I was about 10 years old by then. I put on my sweetest smile and walked over to the little girl and asked if she would like to play “Barbies” with me.  Her name was S and she liked me right off the bat and in a few weeks I went on a Sunday outing with them. They had a beautiful house in the country. The dad and mom were L and T. There was an older brother who was like 10 years older than S. He was married and had a little boy. He made feel uneasy.

We had a few more Sunday outings and then I spent a couple of weekends with them and finally when the school year was over I went to live with them for the summer. It was great; I had a room of my own filled with lots of pretty girl things. There were new clothes and shoes just everything you could imagine. We would go out to dinner, movies, and shopping. I did notice that they bought extra things for S but I didn’t care, I had more things now than I had ever had in my whole life. We’d go camping almost every weekend; there would be hayrides, bonfires, and square dancing. I was even able to earn a little money by washing work gloves for a local company. I could not remember the last time I had been so happy, but as my life proved to always be, it wasn’t going to last very long.

I would like to encourage those who are following my blog to hold the words of Paul in Romans 8:37-39 close to their hearts and minds. “Nay, in all things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” We do have an enemy, who seeks to destroy us, but He is a defeated foe and one day very soon, Jesus will return and bring an end to the sorrow and suffering of this world. Remember the words of Christ. “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” John 16:33

Courage my friends!

Posted in Bible Promises, Christianity, Faith, God, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Overcoming | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Taking a Stand

Well, if you remember Mr. R, one of my most favorite people in the entire world passed away and so his wife could no longer stay on as a cottage parent, and that is why Mr. and Mrs. P showed up.

They were mean and wicked people. She was a terrible cook and he was just plain evil. I did my best to stay clear of him. Other girls were not so lucky. When we’d go to the movies on Saturdays all the girls tried real hard not to have to sit next him.

I woke up one night to strange noises in my bedroom. When I rolled over to see what they were, I discovered Mr. P in the room. I pulled the covers over my head and pretended to be asleep. My heart was racing, I prayed to God for Mr. P to leave. He didn’t.

In the morning I was worried, I didn’t know what to do. I decided I would tell my caseworker what had happened; maybe she could get rid of Mr. and Mrs. P, or something. So when the school bus stopped at the Administration Building I snuck off the bus and waited in the bathroom, till my caseworker arrived and I told her the whole story. I was relieved and happy with the thought that something was going to be done about the situation. However, when I got in from school the cottage was filled with an eerie silence. I put my coat and books away and walked around the corner of the hallway only to discover that all the girls were lined up with their faces staring at the wall and their index fingers and middle fingers pressed against the space between the cinder blocks and their knees bent in a stoop. Mrs. P was there with a belt and she was flaming mad. She yelled at me to take the position and informed me that we all would stand there without dinner till the “one” confessed that they had told an awful lie about her husband. I could not believe what I was hearing. My caseworker had betrayed me! I was mad! I felt bad for the other girls but there was no way I was going to own up to what I had done. We stood there for hours, (if anyone cried or fell over they were whipped); finally we were allowed to go to bed. When I stood up my legs shook and my shoulders ached, it was difficult to walk. I decided that night I would do whatever it took to get out of there. I thought about running away but I had no place to run to. Then, I had an idea . . .

As you read the events of my life story I so want you to keep in mind that even though I experienced some pretty awful things, God was with me through it all. According to Matthew 25, at the end of time many people will come to Jesus not knowing that the good they did for others during their lifetime was like doing good to Jesus. It makes sense to my mind that if people do good and it’s counted as doing good to Jesus, then when people do bad to others it is as if they have done it to the Lord. My Heavenly Father is aware of my suffering and yours and offers us relief by trusting that He can make something beautiful out of our ugly life experiences. Take courage my friends you’re not alone.

Posted in Christianity, Faith, Overcoming | Tagged | Leave a comment

The Good Life!

Well, I am back at the Children’s Center. I only stayed a few weeks in the Receiving Unit before I was placed in Cottage E. My sister J had to go to a different cottage because she was older and the cottages were organized by age. I didn’t get to see her, except when we had “gym time”. Gym time was fun.  We could play outside, and when the weather was bad we could roller skate on the gym floor, or play dodge ball. On Saturdays we would watch movies on the big screen in the gym, we would get served popcorn and Kool Aide. It was lots of fun! There was a swimming pool at the orphanage. I enjoyed swimming. There were horses, too. People would come and we would have 4H classes and girl scouting. Sometimes we went to watch the local professional baseball players play. After the game they would raffle things off like bicycles, season passes, even ponies. They would call out the number on the admission tickets, and if that number matched your ticket you were the winner. I still remember that night as I heard the numbers being called out and repeating them. O my goodness! My numbers matched! I had won a pony! Can you believe it! It was really neat to go down to the corral and see “Buster”, not to mention the fact that it was really cool to have the the kids at the orphanage treat me like I was a celebrity. I must admit I really liked the attention.

I would have to say that Mr. & Mrs. R, the cottage parents for Cottage E, were the best ever. After the foster home experience, my caseworker tried one more time to reunite me with my family, but I just could not handle going on those weekend visits. They were unbearable! So on Fridays when everyone else was leaving for the weekend I got to stay with Mr. and Mrs. R. They treated me like I was one of their own. We’d do things like regular families, I liked them a lot I can’t say that I loved them, because I didn’t even know what love was. But, I sure liked them.

The administration at the Center agreed that if the cottage parents wanted to provide their cottage with a pet they could do so. Mr. R said we could have a dog! Everyone was so excited. It was decided that to name the dog everyone would write their name on a piece of paper and there would be a drawing and whatever name was drawn that was the name of the dog. I put in “Corky” I don’t remember where I heard it, probably on a cartoon or something. Anyway, that was the name that was drawn, and Mr. R went out and bought a Dachshund, (a “wiener dog” as we kids called it). He was a great little dog. Whenever I was sad I would take him into my closet and tell him all my troubles, he would lick my tears away.

I awoke one night to the flashing of red lights; I crawled out of bed and looked out the window, it was an ambulance. Mr. R suffered a heart attack. He died. My world was about to change, in a real big way.

Posted in Christianity, Faith, Overcoming | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment